


You only see me when my guard is down

by storiesthatmakeus



Series: Nobody Like You [2]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Heartbreak, Love, M/M, Moving On, Regret, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 18:04:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12893715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesthatmakeus/pseuds/storiesthatmakeus
Summary: Aaron is moving on, taking the first tentative steps in his new relationship with Alex. He's convinced everyone else he's over Robert, now he just has to convince himself.For Dairxoxo





	You only see me when my guard is down

**Author's Note:**

> So a lovely reader called Dairxoxo asked me for a follow up to my last story, where Aaron tries to move on from Robert but fails miserably. I wasn't planning on writing one, and I don't know if this is what you wanted or expected, but I hope you like :)
> 
>  
> 
> For the purposes of my story Gerry doesn't live in the Mill anymore and I'm using an upcoming spoiler involving Tracey and David for a plot thread in this...
> 
> Enjoy!

‘’So, what’s lover boy saying to ya now?’’

‘’What?’’

They were sat in the café, Aaron avoiding the mountain of paperwork at the scrap yard and Liv avoiding her English exam on Othello. Aaron was looking at his phone when a kick to the shin dragged him away from his thoughts.

‘’Alex, c’mon what’s he saying?’’

‘’Nothing that your innocent ears could possibly handle.’’ Aaron smirked. ‘’Now don’t you have a sonnet to memorise for this test?’’

‘’It’s a soliloquy actually.’’ Liv retorted, but picked up her bag begrudgingly. ‘’Tell him I say hi.’’

Aaron glanced at the time and groaned. He was halfway out the door, trying to text a reply to Alex’s dinner invite with one hand when he collided with someone.

‘’Woah, sorry.’’

It was him. Two weeks had gone by without a peep from him and now here he was, back in the village without warning.

‘’Robert, you’re back.’’

‘’Yea, with all the stuff with Adam and Moira, Vic needed me here, so here I am.’’

‘’What about what you need?’’ Aaron muttered under his breath.

‘’Sorry?’’

‘’Nothing, how are you? You look good, healthy I mean.’’ Aaron found himself stuttering.

‘’Well two weeks in Spain with my grandmother feeding me up has that effect.’’

‘’Have you heard from Rebecca?’’

‘’No,’’ Robert said sadly. ‘’But I’m got someone trying to track them down, so in the meantime I’ll just keep myself busy somehow.’’

‘’Well there’s scrap paperwork needs doing if you’re bored.’’ Aaron offered.

‘’Might take you up on that. How’s it been here? How’s…Alex?’’

‘’Robert, we don’t have to talk about him…’’

‘’I brought him up, it’s fine Aaron, really.’’

‘’Yea, he’s really good. We both are.’’

‘’I’m glad to hear that. I’ll leave you to it. See you around Aaron.’’

Aaron watched him until he disappeared into the café. Robert did seem good: healthy and clear-headed. He didn’t even flinch when he mentioned Alex, and he seemed genuinely happy for them. And for some reason, that stung. He was so distracted by the niggle of hurt that formed at Robert’s nonchalance that his reply to Alex sat half-written for another two hours, until he checked the time on his phone and saw it sitting there. Aaron felt a pang of guilt at the realisation but told himself it was just the shock of seeing Robert again so soon with no warning. But things had been going well with Alex. He was kind and funny, and Aaron was determined to make it work, so he needed to put his ex-husband to the back of his mind.

 

It had been a long day at the scrap yard, and all Aaron wanted was to have a pint and eat some of Marlon’s cooking. Alex had joined him in the pub for a drink after work and he had just gone for a refill and Aaron had his back to the door as he half-listened to the excited chatter going on behind him between Vanessa and Tracey about some club night.

‘’Ooh and here is just the man we need. You’ll help a damsel in distress or two out won’t ya Robert?’’

At the mention of his ex-husband’s name, Aaron glanced around him and saw Robert hovering by the Woolpack’s double doors. Almost as though he felt he was being watched, Robert looked over and met Aaron’s eye. For a brief second, he looked as though he wanted to come over, but his gaze landed on Alex at the bar, and settled for a quick nod and smile to Aaron instead before turning away.

‘’So, what’s up?’’ Robert asked as he took a seat next to the sisters.

‘’Well we need a reckless, devil may care night out, there’s a massive LGBT+ night in Hotten and you can be our guide.’’ Tracey explained brightly.

‘’And what’s this in aid of exactly?’’

‘’Well my marriage is hanging by a thread, she could do with some no strings attached fun and well…’’

‘’You figured I’m the expert in both.’’ Robert replied, but his tone was light. He didn't see the way Aaron smiled briefly at his humour, even if that same smile did not go unnoticed by Chas, who eyed her son suspiciously.

‘’So, what do ya reckon?’’

‘’Oh please say yes, if I’m gonna get through this without bashing my head against a wall I need someone who is not my over-excitable sister as a wingman.’’ Vanessa begged.

‘’Well, I don’t see myself getting a better offer, so why not?’’ Robert agreed. ‘’Come on then, I’ll drive, keep an eye on you both.’’

They all gathered up their things and headed out, Robert giving Aaron and Alex another nod as he passed them by, and Aaron couldn’t shake the tingles of jealousy that spread through his body as he watched them leave.

 

 

‘’It’s getting late, I should call a taxi.’’

They were back at the Mill, Aaron’s patience towards Chas’s constant hovering over them having worn thin in record time. They were both a couple of beers in, but neither of them had noticed the time, Aaron’s thoughts elsewhere and Alex too polite to mention.

‘’Yea okay…or you could stay, if you wanted?’’ He didn’t know what made him say it. Well he did, but the thought of his ex-husband being out on the pull was not something he wanted to dwell on, let alone voice aloud to his new bloke.

‘’Really?’’ Alex asked, the glimmer of excitement threatening to burst out of him.

‘’Just to sleep.’’ Aaron said quickly. ‘’But yea, stay over.’’

‘’Take it slow, I get it.’’ Alex replied kindly. ‘’Hello couch my old friend.’’ He chirped as he went to pull the blanket off the back, but Aaron grabbed him by the hand before he could reach it.

‘’I meant…’’ He nodded upstairs. ‘’It’s warmer up there.’’ He said by way of explanation, and then blushed as the flirty implications of something he had meant innocently hit him. Luckily, Alex didn’t seem to notice.

‘’You sure?’’

‘’Like I said, just sleep, but yea…I’m sure.’’ Aaron replied. Sending Alex upstairs ahead of him, under the pretext of locking up, Aaron leant against the staircase for a moment to catch his breath before heading up to his bedroom.

 

 

It was practically pitch black, the twinkling Christmas lights the only illumination in the village. Aaron risked a glance at the bedside clock. 1:30 am. He looked over at the other body in the bed beside him. Alex had dozed off immediately, the long hours at the hospital catching up to him once again, but Aaron had not managed a wink of sleep in the two hours since they had gone to bed.

Aaron could hear the faint murmurings of singing coming from the village, and he carefully peeled himself away from the bed to see if he could find the root of it. Pulling back the curtain, he could just about see Tug Ghyll from his vantage point, and immediately saw what was causing the commotion. Tracey was singing songs about kissing girls while pointing at a giggling Vanessa, and both of them were perched against Robert’s car, but the man himself was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, he appeared from what looked like the front door of Vanessa’s house, pressing a finger to his lips as he handed Tracey what Aaron presumed was a set of keys, before wrapping Vanessa around him and carrying her inside. All three of them disappeared from view, but Aaron was unable to tear his eyes away from the scene. After several minutes, Robert emerged from the house, but he hadn’t gotten far when Vanessa appeared behind him, gripping him in a hug and planting a kiss on his cheek. As she ran back inside, Aaron felt a pang of something unexplainable as he saw Robert shake his head lightly, smiling to himself as he walked towards Keepers and vanished from view once more.

Throwing a glance behind him, Aaron could see that Alex was still fast asleep. Creeping slowly across the room, he pulled the door opened and quietly descended the stairs, where he grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and huddled under it, making himself as comfortable as possible. It had been nearly three weeks since an injured Robert had laid under the very same blanket, and even now the faint remnants of his scent still lingered in the threads, though maybe that was just Aaron’s mind playing tricks on him. Either way, as he drew the blanket tighter around him, the familiarity of it instantly made him drowsy. He would wake up early and make his way back upstairs before Alex woke up, pretend his guest had never spent any time in an empty bed, but just for tonight, he would sleep on the couch.

 

 

‘’Here, you look like you could use this.’’

Aaron smiled as Robert looked up at him from his seat. They were the only two in the café, the usual Sunday crowd not having made an appearance yet.

‘’Thanks.’’ Robert replied as he accepted the coffee from Aaron.

‘’So what are you doing in here at this time? Aren’t you usually huddled over a crossword on the couch about now?’’

‘’Yea usually, but there’s a crying baby in my spot right now, so I had to get out of the house…Isaac.’’ Robert clarified, seeing Aaron’s confused expression.

‘’Oh…Oh Rob I’m sorry.’’

‘’Not your fault is it? Babies exist, just because mine isn’t here…’’

‘’But even so…’’

‘’It’s fine, if anything I should be saying sorry to you.’’

‘’Me, why?’’

‘’Because I kept chewing your ear off about Seb, and you just listened. I was insensitive and I shouldn’t have come to you.’’

‘’You can always come to me Robert, I mean it.’’

The silence fell between them, and bordered on uncomfortable when Robert spoke.

‘’So, what are you doing in here anyway?’’

‘’Picking up coffees and muffins. I’m going to…well we…Alex is waiting outside.’’

‘’Oh, well then don’t let me keep you.’’

‘’You sure you’re okay?’’

‘’I’m fine, go’’ Robert smiled as he turned back to the paper in front of him.

‘’Everything okay?’’ Alex asked moments later as Aaron slid into the seat beside him.

‘’What? Yea, let’s go.’’ Aaron replied; his eyes trained on the café through the rear view mirror as they drove out of the village.

 

 

‘’Are you sure you don’t want some food?”

The pub was quiet, only a few punters in for their midweek lunch, and Aaron and Alex were taking advantage of the doctor’s day off to just chill out. Liv had joined them, a teacher training day freeing her from the shackles of education for a day, though Aaron was beginning to think she was out of school more than she was in if her constant appearance by their side was any indication.

‘’Nah, meeting Gabby in a bit. Besides, just gonna nick some when Alex isn’t looking.’’ She sniped lightly.

‘’Here, help yourself.’’ Alex said kindly, pushing his plate towards her.

Aaron felt his little sister stiffen slightly beside him. It was brief, but he instantly knew the reason why. It was the same reason she picked a ridiculous WW1 movie to watch the previous weekend at the Mill. She’d never admit it, but she wasn’t just looking to fill the Robert-shaped hole in Aaron’s life; she was searching for her own replacement too. She had wanted to watch Alex mutter about historical inaccuracies, purely so she could take the mick out of him until he offered to make her a hot chocolate just to shut her up, but he didn’t bite, instead just watching the film quietly with his legs perched on the armrest of the couch, his only opinion come the end that it was ‘enjoyable, if a bit long.’’

He saw it again now; those same hopes disappear as he watched her slowly pick a chip from Alex’s plate. He’d lost count of the times Liv had threatened Robert with carb thievery, only for Robert to bat her hand away and tell her to get her own. A tennis match would then ensue, with Liv watching Robert until his eyes drifted away, usually to moon at Aaron, her little fingers creeping towards his plate only for a swipe to the hand to come at the last minute, accompanied by a classic Robert Sugden smirk.

Eventually, as always, he would relent and push his chips towards her, she claiming she wore him down and he claiming that a chip-related hand injury would stop her doing her homework, and he wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of tearing her away from her precious quadratic equations. Aaron saw it clear as day as he watched her now. His little sister didn’t want the obvious kindness that Alex possessed, easy and available to everyone. She wanted the secret kindness, reserved for her and her big brother, delicately hidden from the world but surrounding Robert in a glow, just for them.

‘’Hello, anyone in there?’’

Liv’s voice pulled him from his thoughts, and he allowed him to be liberated of twenty quid as she went on her way to meet Gabby. That was another thing that made her pause, if only for a second. If Robert had been here, it would have been forty quid, no question. Suddenly, the pub felt too small, too tightly wound around him.

‘’You wanna go into town?’’ Aaron asked Alex.

‘’Sounds like a plan.’’ Alex smiled brightly, and for the briefest of moments, Robert Sugden disappeared from his thoughts.

 

 

 

‘’So, since when have you made house calls with what I can only assume is a casserole you pinched from Marlon?’’

Chas had let herself into the Mill, disrupting Aaron’s plan of lazing on the couch all day with nobody to disturb him, as Liv was helping Gabby entertain her little sister.

‘’Can’t a mum just check in on her only child, make sure he’s eating?’’

‘’Oh yea, mums can, _you_ can’t.’’ Aaron snorted. ‘’Spit it out, whatever it is.’’

‘’It’s nothing…haven’t seen Alex around in a few days.’’ Chas said faux casually as she popped the stolen food in the fridge. ‘’Everything okay?’’

‘’Yes mum, everything’s fine. He’s a doctor, they tend to be pretty busy.’’

‘’You haven’t had a fall out then?’’

‘’And is there anything in particular that we would have fallen out over?’’

‘’No, not at all, just being nosey.’’ Chas said lightly, feigning an uninterested expression again. ‘’I see Robert and Vanessa are pretty _friendly_ these days.’’

‘’Well they are _friends_ mum.’’ Aaron replied dryly, refusing to rise to it. ‘’Robert’s been a good mate to her by the sounds of things.’’

‘’Yea.’’ Chas scoffed. ‘’Until he gets bored, only cares about himself that one.’’

‘’Mum, that’s enough.’’

‘’What, I’m just pointing out the facts.’’

‘’No mum, you’re rewriting history.’’ Aaron snapped.

‘’What?’’

‘’You heard me.’’ Aaron retorted. ‘’So let’s see: When he paid for you and Liv to stay in Mauritius indefinitely, or when he spent a fortune getting me out of prison ten months early, or tried to find a tutor for Liv after she got herself expelled, or when he spent every hour that he wasn’t running two businesses doing up this place, oh and not forgetting looking after Noah when Charity took off to Prague, tell me, which of these was Robert only caring about himself?’’

‘’I knew it.’’ Chas fired back. ‘’All this defending him, and I saw the way you looked at him the other day. You’re still in love with him aren’t you?’’

‘’Oh mum, not this again.’’ Aaron sighed. ‘’He’s still a mate, and he’s done a lot of good things for this family, whether you want to admit it or not, that’s all I’m saying, okay. But Robert and I are over, and I have Alex now, yea?’’

‘’You haven’t answered my question.’’ Chas replied, but before Aaron could say anything, there was a knock at the door and Alex walked in.

‘’Sorry, front door was open.’’ He said cautiously, and Aaron wondered briefly how much he had heard. ‘’Should I come back?’’

‘’No, come in.’’ Chas beamed. ‘’Just in time for tea, there’s a casserole in the fridge. Home made.’’ She said pointedly at Aaron as she patted Alex on the shoulder. ‘’I’ll leave you to it.’’

‘’Is everything okay?’’ Alex asked once she’d left.

‘’Yea, it’s just mum sticking her beak in as usual. Ignore her. Hungry?’’ Aaron asked as he plastered on a smile and switched the oven on.

 

 

‘’Do you not like the casserole?’’

‘’Sorry?’’

They’d been sitting in near silence for at least ten minutes now; Aaron’s feeble attempts at conversation getting only stilted answers from Alex as he picked at his casserole.

‘’I can make something else, not sure what we’ve got in to be honest, was gonna order a takeaway but then mum showed up…’’ Aaron was babbling, and bizarrely it seemed to pick Alex’s mood up briefly as he gave him a small smile.

‘’Aaron?’’

‘’Yea?’’

‘’What your mum said earlier?’’

‘’You heard that?’’

‘’I kinda heard everything. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop…’’

‘’I meant what I said, Robert and I are over.’’

‘’But that doesn’t answer her question…or mine.’’

‘’Look, Robert and I have been through a lot.’’ Aaron started, struggling to find words. ‘’I’ll always care about him, but I mean it, there’s nothing there for me anymore.’’

‘’Really? Because I can step back Aaron. I really like you, but if you need more time…’’

‘’I don’t.’’ Aaron replied quickly, pulling Alex up and planting a quick kiss to his lips, getting the first genuine smile off him all night.

 

A couple of hours later they were midway through some cheesy action film, and Alex was yawning repeatedly, try as he might to hide it from Aaron, who stifled a laugh.

‘’Tired are we?’’ Aaron smirked.

‘’No, just groaning at the lack of imagination or even common sense scriptwriters have these days.’’ Alex argued back as he pointed at the screen to emphasise his point.

‘’I’m sure the plot will make sense eventually. But seriously mate; you’re fooling no one. Go upstairs, I’ll come up in a minute.’’

Only he didn’t. Not really. After giving it fifteen minutes, he risked a peek inside his room and found Alex curled up in a ball, fast asleep. He retreated to his usual spot on the couch, his blanket still a comfort to him, even now when it smelled much more of himself than Robert.

He didn’t manage to make it back upstairs the next morning, but he did get the couch rearranged and two mugs of tea made in time as Alex came down.

‘’I didn’t wake you getting up did I?’’ Aaron feigned hesitantly and Alex shook his head as he accepted the tea gratefully.

‘’Alright if I have a shower? I need to get straight to work from here.’’

‘’Yea that’s fine, but what are you gonna do for clothes?’’

‘’Kinda, brought an overnight bag.’’ Alex replied shyly, causing Aaron to chuckle.

‘’Someone was presumptuous weren’t they?’’ Aaron smirked and Alex laughed.

‘’I hit on you when your little sister was in my care, guess I never could follow the rules.’’ Alex chuckled.

As Alex bounded up the stairs a few moments later, overnight bag in hand, Aaron smiled to himself as he cleaned up the remains of their breakfast. For the first time, he felt a bit lighter. Their morning together just now had been easy, and maybe, just maybe he was ready to actually sleep in the bed next to someone new.

 

The lightness evaporated as soon as he saw it a ten minutes later: sitting pride of place in his shower, a forgotten intruder into his life. He could hear Alex calling him from downstairs, telling him he’d see him later, but Aaron wasn’t listening. Instead, his eyes were focused on the small, overpriced bottle in front of him, water droplets dripping down and making the _Perries of Harrogate_ logo look blurred in the still misty shower. It wasn’t the same scent, but that made it worse. It was the scent Robert had chosen as a replacement, memories of Aaron’s time in prison too interlinked with his usual one for him to willingly keep using it. But Aaron had hated the new one, hated how it made Robert smell like a stranger, and after trialling others, Robert eventually reverted to the original, determined to reclaim the memories for his husband.

As Aaron turned the bottle over in his hands, his thumb running over the label, it struck him that he never noticed the scent of the gel on Alex. In fact, he never noticed anything like that on him; not the scent of his cologne, or the way his clothes smelled, not even the feeling of his hands in Aaron’s hair as they kissed. With Robert, it had been instant. From that first kiss, everything about him imprinted himself on Aaron. Fragments of him found themselves all over Aaron in one way or another.

Then it hit him. He had felt lighter in the kitchen, Alex’s small show of cockiness and assumption funny because it was something his ex-husband would have done. He knew it three years ago and he knew it now: Nobody else would ever come close to Robert Sugden. Every other man could try to leave a mark on Aaron, but it would only be pen, easily washed off and forgotten. Robert Sugden, well his mark was like a tattoo.

Aaron made his way downstairs, and was surprised to see Alex still there, stuffing the last of his stuff into his bag.

‘’Oh cheers, knew I’d forgotten something.’’ Alex said as he took the bottle from Aaron’s hand, missing the look on his face.

‘’Alex.’’

‘’Yea?’’

‘’We need to talk.’’

 

 

 

Aaron was shattered as he pulled into the scrap yard, the long trip to Newcastle taking its toll on him. Adam was slumped over in the passenger seat, dozing away. In truth, he had needed the trip, needed to get away from the village and the endless questioning from his mum and Liv. The break up with Alex had been amicable, wasn’t even really a break up when they had never actually made anything official. Still didn’t stop his family having a go at him though.

As he switched off the engine, he noticed the light on in the office.

‘’Adam, wake up.’’

‘’What is it?’’ Adam grumbled as he blinked himself awake.

‘’We’re back. Hey, did you leave the light on in the office?’’

‘’No, don’t think so.’’ Both of them jumped out of the van, and they instantly heard it; the unmistakable voice of Chas Dingle in full rant mode. They shared a glance and Adam sniggered.

‘’You’re on your own there mate.’’ He snorted as he hopped in his car and began to drive off, leaving Aaron to deal with whatever was on the other side of the door. He hovered outside, trying to gauge what was being said, and caught snippets. If he was going in, he needed to know what he was fighting, even if he already had an idea.

_‘’Just couldn’t stay away could ya?’’_

_‘’They were fine until you showed up again.’’_

_‘’Why can’t you just leave him alone?’’_

‘’Mum.’’

The door swung open and Chas stepped back in shock, as an exhausted looking Robert sighed dejectedly in front of her.

‘’Love.’’ She stuttered. ‘’I thought you were in Newcastle all day?’’

‘’Yea, got back early. Good thing too, or I would have missed the show you’re putting on.’’

‘’I’m just…’’

‘’Telling Robert where to go, I heard ya. Mum, Alex and I are over. It’s nothing do to with Robert, so stop trying to blame him for everything that doesn’t work out.’’

‘’But love…’’

‘’I mean it mum, stop having a go. My love life is my business and my business only. Now go home.’’

Chas opened her mouth to speak, but the glare from her son stopped her in her tracks.

‘’I’ll see you in a bit mum, yea? Just go.’’ Aaron said firmly, leaving no more room for argument.

‘’Fine.’’ She shot one last warning glance at Robert before leaving, and the small office felt suddenly very quiet after the intensity of the one-sided shouting match.

‘’Sorry…she shouldn’t have been mouthing off like that.’’ Aaron said quietly.

‘’It’s fine, not like I’m not used to it by now.’’ Robert replied, and the acceptance in his voice broke Aaron’s heart. ‘’I’m sorry, about you and Alex.’’

‘’It’s alright, I shouldn’t have gone out with him in the first place.’’

‘’What happened? Oh sorry…that’s not any of my business, ignore me.’’

‘’Some things just aren’t meant to be eh?’’

‘’Guess not. Well if you need to talk, you know where to find me.’’ Robert smiled as he stood up and pulled on his coat, and suddenly Aaron didn’t want him to leave, but couldn’t think of what he could say to continue the conversation, but then he saw it.

‘’What’s that?’’ He asked, pointing to the impeccably stacked pile of folders on his desk.

‘’Oh..em… it’s the paperwork you mentioned, had some free time so…’’

‘’You did it all?’’ Aaron asked, astounded.

‘’Wanted to save you a job.’’

‘’You didn’t have to...’’ Aaron started, but Robert shrugged him off.

‘’It was nothing. Just buy me a pint sometime yea, call it quits?’’

‘’Yea, sounds good.’’

‘’Night Aaron.’’

The answer to Robert’s question was on the tip of his tongue as he watched him walk towards his car. He returned the small wave that Robert gave him, and watched for the second time in three weeks as he drove away from him.

_He wasn’t you._


End file.
